Jun
2010
You’re Not Next
“J is totally serious about her relationship status.”
That is how it all started, although I did not think much of it at the time. Reading those two lines would eventually lead me on an emotional journal that would rock my world. It was summer and two of my friends had just gotten engaged. Friends. People my age. Not cousins or family friends who were older. I ignored this pivotal transition into adulthood by doing the only logical thing: going to the beach to forget all my worries for a few hours.
A few weeks later, a similar thing happened. One of the guys was quite proud to tell all of fb that he had proposed to his girlfriend. She had naturally said yes. By this point in time, I was back at college trying desperately to finalize my topic for my senior thesis. Some of the girls and I were chatting after Bible study. Since the man of the hour was a mutual friend of several of us, his relationship change came up in the discussion. It was surprising. How long have they even been together?
I knew that answer. Sweet! They had been officially dating for a little over a year. T had asked her out a few weeks AFTER we came back from NY. As in a few weeks AFTER I started going out with my then boyfriend. Suddenly, marriage was not just something that could happen eventually. It was a possibility.
It was a possibility that was becoming more and more desirable. The only thing was wanting it to happen was a far cry from it being a realistic possibility. The more I allowed these thoughts to overtake my mind, the harder the burden of disappointment became. To be reassured again and again by well meaning friends who would tell me, “You’re next, ” only to watch them and countless others reach that coveted stage of life before me. I’m sensitive (sometimes maybe too much but that’s another post) so I feel the longings, hope, disappointments, envy, happiness quite keenly. I began to wonder what was wrong with me that I could not get the deepest desire of my heart.
Suddenly becoming single has shown me that it wasn’t that my desire to marry isn’t wrong in of itself. It was just that it was the wrong time. I was willing to to settle in with Mr. Anybody instead of waiting patiently for Mr. Right. Sure he seemed to be Right, but that was because I would not consider any other option. It also had to be the right time for me understand such truth. My quest for this one desire had given my judgment as many dents and dings as my car.
What about God? Where was he? Couldn’t he have told me this ahead of time to save heartache? Absolutely. He is big enough and capable enough to tell any of his children anything at anytime. That isn’t how he works. Trust isn’t anything if everything in life was a given. Trust needs uncertainty. God was there beside me and waiting in my heart, just as he has ever since I first believed. He was waiting for me to ask him. When I finally hit the brick wall brokenhearted, He was the one to heal and restore me. He showed me that pursuing Him was far more satisfying that pursuing any guy or any diamond or anything on earth. If and when I do meet Mr. Right, Jesus will be the first one to show me how it was worth the wait.
Wow, that was deep and personal and risky. It took me months to get the guts to say it. Now, reader, I am interested what you have to say. Leave your comments below. Thanks for reading!
Edited to link to Modern Mrs. Darcy‘s Perspectives on Life and Love Blog Carnival. I know this is an older post of mine but is one of my favorites. It still tells the story of my heart. I am still not next. I still long to be married…someday. I still think this waiting game stinks.
20 Comments on You’re Not Next
9Pingbacks & Trackbacks on You’re Not Next
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Jaclyn
June 13, 2010 at 1:36 am (1077 days ago)Hey Leeann! It’s Jaclyn. I read this and I related so much. I had no idea we were going through something so similar. I just came out of a long relationship and I didn’t really see the end coming (maybe I should have, but that’s a whole other story). The hurt has been lingering, there’s been a lot of questions, a lot of praying, a lot of deep thought… I totally get what you mean about him seeming like Mr. Right, and it being the wrong time… I don’t want to get into detail here. But if you ever wanted to talk about anything, I’d be more than willing to listen and let you know what I’ve been feeling. Thanks for posting this, it helped me to read it
Hope we can see each other again, thanks for making it last Thursday!
leeleegirl4
June 13, 2010 at 8:02 am (1077 days ago)Again, how did we not end up friends sooner?
Jaclyn
June 14, 2010 at 8:28 am (1076 days ago)Who knows?! Going to the same college, having friends in common and probably being the same place… yet not really getting to know each other. But now I get to be properly introduced to you… God’s timing, huh?
peelingtheorange
June 13, 2010 at 3:39 am (1077 days ago)Yes princess, God is always ahead of us. We girls are totally freak out when time is trying to laugh at our face. But, I also know that the Lord has all under control. I am also single, waiting, and hoping for Mr right. He is gonna be awesome, awesome! I know this time I let Jesus to choose for me, before time started He did it. I just got to be patient. Welcome to real world!!! This is life!!
Go for!
~Great Love to you,
Mirian from peelingtheorange. “)
Yet
November 27, 2010 at 12:22 pm (909 days ago)I’m still trying to pinpoint when the normal topic of discussion changed from who we all had crushes on and where we were going for spring break to… Our Career aspirations and marriage, engagement, new house!
I never stressed about when I would get married before… but it is hard not to think about it when all of your friends are getting hitched and popping out babies!! I don’t even have a ring yet!!!
Sigh. But when I take time to think about it… I realize that I really want what God has planned for me. Besides, I can’t afford the type of wedding that I would want right now. Since i’m in a Long distance relationship, I think that most of all I just want to see The Man more often…
I found u on “we love comments” in the “fav post” forum!!
Pamela
June 2, 2012 at 11:20 pm (356 days ago)Leeann, as someone who has been there about 15 years ago, I understand the feelings you express in this post. It’s hard to wait for something we want and not force it. It’s difficult to choose the best thing rather than the fastest answer. Kudos to you for waiting for something strong and real. Marriage is far too challenging and rewarding of a journey to start with someone that is not a good fit or who doesn’t have serious love to offer. Best wishes to you.
Leelee
June 3, 2012 at 7:47 am (356 days ago)Thank you so much for your encouragement.
Anne @ Modern Mrs Darcy
August 12, 2012 at 11:15 am (285 days ago)Leelee, this is deep and personal and risky, and so very good. Thanks for sharing your story.
Anne @ Modern Mrs Darcy recently posted..Welcome to the Perspectives on Life and Love Carnival!
Leelee
August 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm (285 days ago)Thanks.
Emily
August 13, 2012 at 9:43 pm (284 days ago)I’m here from MMD, and I just wanted to say that I really relate to this. I’m only 22, but it seems like lately a bunch of my friends are getting engaged. And whenever I hear of a new engagement I think A) oh goodness, ANOTHER trip I have to make to Bed, Bath, and Beyond! followed by B) oh goodness, what if my time never comes? I haven’t felt the pressure yet, but the time’s coming sooner or later. But I too have been letting it go and being surprisingly laissez-faire about the whole thing, and I’m not going to let any pressure get to me. I really admire your candor!
Leelee
August 14, 2012 at 8:31 am (284 days ago)It took a lot of time, effort, and prayer to reach this point. It isn’t easy.