“J is totally serious about her relationship status.”
That is how it all started, although I did not think much of it at the time. Reading those two lines would eventually lead me on an emotional journal that would rock my world. It was summer and two of my friends had just gotten engaged. Friends. People my age. Not cousins or family friends who were older. I ignored this pivotal transition into adulthood by doing the only logical thing: going to the beach to forget all my worries for a few hours.
A few weeks later, a similar thing happened. One of the guys was quite proud to tell all of fb that he had proposed to his girlfriend. She had naturally said yes. By this point in time, I was back at college trying desperately to finalize my topic for my senior thesis. Some of the girls and I were chatting after Bible study. Since the man of the hour was a mutual friend of several of us, his relationship change came up in the discussion. It was surprising. How long have they even been together?
I knew that answer. Sweet! They had been officially dating for a little over a year. T had asked her out a few weeks AFTER we came back from NY. As in a few weeks AFTER I started going out with my then boyfriend. Suddenly, marriage was not just something that could happen eventually. It was a possibility.
It was a possibility that was becoming more and more desirable. The only thing was wanting it to happen was a far cry from it being a realistic possibility. The more I allowed these thoughts to overtake my mind, the harder the burden of disappointment became. To be reassured again and again by well meaning friends who would tell me, “You’re next, ” only to watch them and countless others reach that coveted stage of life before me. I’m sensitive (sometimes maybe too much but that’s another post) so I feel the longings, hope, disappointments, envy, happiness quite keenly. I began to wonder what was wrong with me that I could not get the deepest desire of my heart.
Suddenly becoming single has shown me that it wasn’t that my desire to marry isn’t wrong in of itself. It was just that it was the wrong time. I was willing to to settle in with Mr. Anybody instead of waiting patiently for Mr. Right. Sure he seemed to be Right, but that was because I would not consider any other option. It also had to be the right time for me understand such truth. My quest for this one desire had given my judgment as many dents and dings as my car.
What about God? Where was he? Couldn’t he have told me this ahead of time to save heartache? Absolutely. He is big enough and capable enough to tell any of his children anything at anytime. That isn’t how he works. Trust isn’t anything if everything in life was a given. Trust needs uncertainty. God was there beside me and waiting in my heart, just as he has ever since I first believed. He was waiting for me to ask him. When I finally hit the brick wall brokenhearted, He was the one to heal and restore me. He showed me that pursuing Him was far more satisfying that pursuing any guy or any diamond or anything on earth. If and when I do meet Mr. Right, Jesus will be the first one to show me how it was worth the wait.
Wow, that was deep and personal and risky. It took me months to get the guts to say it. Now, reader, I am interested what you have to say. Leave your comments below. Thanks for reading!
Edited to link to Modern Mrs. Darcy‘s Perspectives on Life and Love Blog Carnival. I know this is an older post of mine but is one of my favorites. It still tells the story of my heart. I am still not next. I still long to be married…someday. I still think this waiting game stinks.